As a human resources practitioner, I meet often with employees who don’t like their manager. They are afraid of them or don’t think they are fair. In addition, in church leadership positions, I have spoken with people who struggle to come to terms with the way their parents raised them. It is true that our parents have a huge role in what kind of person we are. How can we correct that? These principles can be used in all areas of life but I’ll use the role of a manager in the workplace.
At a recent church leadership meeting, a leader illustrated a concept that opened my eyes. He drew a grid on the board. On the Y-axis, from bottom to top, you have Expectation; low to high. On the X-axis, from left to right, you have Love: low to high.
High Expectations and Low Love
In the top, left grid, you have High Expectations and Low Love. A manager in this quadrant has high demands but shows very little love or concern for those over whom he has responsibility. Those in this grid may get people to do things through threats and micromanagement, but it builds resentment, anger, and fear. Performing in this group feels like a burden and there is no connection between the person and the leader. “Rules without relationships lead to rebellion.” Employees fight this manager by complaining to HR. The burden now rests on their manager to defend himself. It is the only power the employees have.
Low Expectations and Low Love
In the bottom left grid, you have Low Expectations and Low Love. A manager in this quadrant doesn’t expect much of his people and doesn’t show concern for them. The person in this quadrant feels that the work is not important and apathy sets in. Poor behavior is tolerated or justified. Morale is low and there tends to be high turnover.
Low Expectations and High Love
In the bottom right quadrant is Low Expectations and High Love. A manager in this quadrant is very well liked by his team. In this quadrant, there is a social club atmosphere with a lot of camaraderie. On the other hand, there is little stretching and little accomplishment. Employees stay here because it is comfortable but, before long, they have lost their edge. They lose confidence as they don’t accomplish things.
High Expectations and High Love
In the top right quadrant is High Expectations and High Love. This is where every leader should seek to be. A manager in this quadrant expects a lot of his team but they know he cares for them. In this quadrant there is growth, innovation, and high performance. Employees enjoy and challenge each other. Their confidence, skills, and capabilities grow as they take on, and accomplish, more challenging tasks.
Creating a High Expectation, High Love Environment
In the book of Mark in the New Testament, Jesus sets a great example of High Love and High Expectation. A young man who “had great possessions” approached Jesus and asked “Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?” Jesus named off the Ten Commandments (basic expectations). The young man responded that he had obeyed all the commandments since he was a boy. The record then says, “Jesus looked at him and loved him. ‘One thing you lack,’ he said. ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’ ” (Matthew 10:17-21)
Jesus didn’t stop at the ten commandments, he saw the young man was meeting basic expectations but, because Jesus loved him, he wanted him to stretch and have treasure in heaven. Unfortunately, “the man went away sad because he had great wealth.” but, Jesus didn’t chase after him and say, “Never mind.” He turned to his disciples and taught how hard it was for people to meet his expectations.
In creating high expectations, you need to create a vision of what you want to see. What does success look like? How do you define it? If it means getting that report done at 10:00 am on Monday morning, don’t allow 10:01. And stick to it. What do you do if the expectations are not reached? You correct and move forward with care. It isn’t loving to relax expectations. Sometimes, negative consequences must be felt, but in love and concern. When expectations are met, be sure to recognize it and give thanks.
How do you increase your love? By learning about your employees. Know their partners’ and childrens’ names. Do their children have extra curricular activities? How are they doing? Ask about them and seek to know them as a brother or sister.
One of the greatest ways to increase love is to show gratitude. Thank them when they do something for you and/or the team. Be complimentary of them. The Gottman Institute, a foremost organization studying successful marriage, says we need five positive interactions for each negative one. How many positive interactions have you had with your team lately? How many times have you reprimanded them? Do you need to expect more of yourself in this area? Set high expectations for yourself in caring and love for those around you, especially your team. One way to do this is to put 5 poker chips in one of your pockets. Each time you express gratitude to an employee, move a chip to another pocket. Get all the chips into the other pocket by the end of the day.
Google’s People Operations team did a lot of research on what made great managers and they found eight attributes. All of them fall into the categories of High Expectation and/or High Love:
- Be a good coach (Expectations and Love)
- Empower your team and don’t micromanage (Expectations and Love)
- Express interest in team members’ success and personal well-being (Love)
- Be productive and results-oriented (Expectations)
- Be a good communicator and listen to your team (Love)
- Help your employees with career development (Expectations and Love)
- Have a clear vision and strategy for the team (Expectations)
- Have key technical skills so you can help advise the team (Expectations and Love)
By cultivating these skills as a manager or parent, you will gain increased respect from those you lead and great things will happen.